Manage Your Anger

"Any person capable of angering you becomes your master; he can anger you only when you permit yourself to be disturbed by him." –Epictetus

This quotation sums up the kind of power we give people over our emotions, namely anger.  It is a pretty profound statement of how we react to road rage, pet peeves, and all other petty annoyances that creep up on us during the course of our lives.

What if we acted on every conceived hurt and pet peeve or wrong ever done unto us?  The human race would probably have been obliterated by now.  We are probably getting there with the all the violence and destruction being reported by the media these days. Sometimes it feels like we are definitely nearing the end of humanity, what with “it’s all about me” culture and selfishness. All we need is a huge natural disaster to wipe Mother Earth off the galaxy and start over………but then it would start all over again…….because the lessons were never learnt so we would be doomed to repeat the same mistakes again and again.

Images from the telly about violence and acts of terrorism flit across the screen while I am on a long distance call. With the mute button on, I can only see the images.  I wonder what the perpetrators of all this violence gain. Do their causes really benefit from the senseless loss of life and destruction of people’s livelihoods? Why would anyone go to such lengths to be so destructive?  Why destroy entire ways of lives or wreck havoc in major cities? It would seem that the people or organisations behind such actions see no other solution to their plight, real or imagined and resorting to destruction on a magnificent scale simply satisfies their egos and gives vent to deadly temper tantrums.  Blowing things up is really only a countermeasure to feeling impotent.  Instead we should use these examples and let such destructive events be our inspiration to opening our hearts and loving and forgiving one another.  Or we can at least try to understand one another and try to be more accepting of our differences.

Temper tantrums and differences aside, as I sit at my kitchen table, sipping my mid-morning cuppa, I can’t help reflecting on an argument that could have gone horribly awry.  The funny thing is we were both mad at each other for seemingly nothing. It took a lot of courage for me to get off my high horse and compose an apology even though I was really not the one at fault {famous words}.  I sent the apology off via email and I got a response within 24 hours that was the sweetest sentiment the person I had the argument with has ever expressed to me.  It brought tears to my eyes and gave an entirely different angle to my relationship with them.

On a daily basis, we say or think so many things in anger. Some of those thoughts or words can never be erased and linger on in the minds of the anger-abused for days, weeks, years and even lifetimes to come. Some these thoughts and actions have caused irreparable damage to both the giver and the one on the receiving end.  I have been the receiver and also the giver of this in the past and it is not a good feeling.  Taking a deep breath, backing down and turning the other cheek momentarily is not very natural for me.  It takes a lot of patience and absolutely no ego to swallow your pride and apologise. 

Anger is good when it is used constructively to produce positive results. Most of the time when we get angry, we get over it quickly because, somehow, we resolve the situation and our feelings of anger pass. We all feel angry sometimes and these are normal feelings to have. Anger is also a good stress indicator and lets you know from your reaction whether you are overreacting to a situation or if it is warranted. 

Admitting you are angry is acknowledging that something or someone is causing you distress. Bottling up anger is a problem, as is blowing up. These are both extremes and can cause problems for both the person who is angry as well as the people around you.  It is important to deal with anger before it causes serious discomfort or pain. Studies have shown that anger can cause serious health problems such high blood pressure and heart disease. It can also cause behaviours that can result in job loss or friends and/or result in the break-up of your marriage.

Short term solutions to anger are, not reacting when someone says something insulting or demeaning to you.  Take the example of firing off a reply when you are upset or angered over something in the context of the email. I have done that so many times to the detrimental cost of my relationships. Some I managed to salvage some are lost forever. A friend gave me invaluable advise that I use to this day: breath deeply, leave your desk and go for a quick, calming walk. Once you are back, more often than not, you will discover that you have gained a bit of perspective on the situation. If that is not possible, vent whatever and however much you need to in the reply but do not put a recipient in the “Send to” field; instead hit “save draft”, and save it till the next day. When you “sleep on it” and return to the reply the next day, you may simply have the urge to start over in a calm and rational manner.

Code words for dealing with anger seem to be Stop Reacting. Listening instead of simply hearing which is what many of us tend to do. Listen and understand what the other person is trying to communicate or convey to you.  Try not to interrupt them and let them finish what they are saying.  Very often, you will not understand the real message if you "jump in" after a few words. Give people a chance to explain themselves.  Remember also that if a situation, comment or event is upsetting you, look at it as an opportunity to learn how to observe the situation as well as your mind and learn how thoughts play havoc with your emotions and feelings.

Identifying the source of your anger and trying to deal with the person, responsible for causing those feelings, directly in a peaceful and productive way can also be helpful.  Acknowledging the “small things” as just that and learning to forgive the trespasses of others goes a long way toward keeping your friends, family and all interactions in your life in harmony.  I learnt the hard way that there is simply no way around this. Forgive, forgive and forgive some more……..there is no other way.

Going back to my quote, you want to be the boss of  you.   Don’t let anger get in the way of successful relationships and a happy fruitful life.